Coming home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up Paperback – March 17, 2003

Really good read with lots of insightful chapters!

"Coming home to Self" (The adopted child grows up)This is a book of great depth and investigation into the experience of being adopted, and is an invaluable tool to understanding and healing for adopted people, their family of origin and adoptive family.Verrier presents accessible information of the way the brain changes when children are separated from their mothers at birth, and how they build a false self in order to survive, yet how this false self serves them not, as they become adults.She speaks about adoptees retaining the fight or flight mode because they are unwittingly always affected by their initial separation trauma. How the false self that mantles many adoptees, also prevents them from having authentic relationships and makes intimacy difficult. The adoptee who uses the false self to prevent further pain, building impenetrable walls around their hearts, are also isolated by them.This book is challenging, as it encourages the adopted person to recognise their choice to remain in victim mode and encourages them to take responsibility for their effect on others. Verrier points out that adoptees are often insensitive with others, yet ultra sensitive to any comments or action that they see might be derogative to themselves ...in fact, sometimes their agenda colors everything anyone says as potentially negative, and they may be always ready to rail against it. Verrier points out that this is because of the initial trauma of separation from the mother, which has kept the adoptee in a traumatised state.Verrier encourages adoptees to reassess what is really happening in their present situation, in order for them to start healing their relationships and their lives.This is powerful writing with clear and thoroughly researched insight.Lina Eve [...]

I am a birth mom who surrendered my son in 1969. I had read Primal Wound when it came out and just found this follow up. My son and I have been in and out of reunion due to adoption (primal wound) issues, and we've been in our last reunion for 3 years now. This book has been SUCH a blessing in helping us to understand and grow. What I love about this book is that many of the issues concern people who've experienced 'pre-verbal' trauma, and that would be me. No wonder reunion was about 2 wounded toddlers with no real adults! This book is actually just priceless! Now that I am aware of traumas I and my son and others experienced, I am GROWING UP! I would give this book 10 stars if that were possible. Thank you Nancy Verrier for your devotion to helping bring many into awareness and healing!

This is a must read for the whole adoption triad (birth mother, adoptee, and adoptive parents). I'll just start with the fact that I'm adopted, I have a brother I grew up with that was also adopted (from another family). We approached life in very different ways. I read this book initially as a teenager, and recently re-read it as an adult. The author nails it to a T. It was so nice to read that I wasnt the only one feeling this way and it helped explain some of my childhood behavior that at the time I couldnt cope with. This book is so important for adoptive parents to read. It gives light to how a lot of adoptive mothers feel about their adopted child and helps provide some coping mechanisms.

1 of the best books I've ever read. Will be referring back several times into my future....highly recommend if you're adopted or thinking about adoption. This read would be fantastic for victim advocate services to learn & be trained in children of displaced situations

Very informative. I wish there were more advice for people in relationships with adoptees...but that seems to be an area that doesn't get a lot of focus.

If you or someone you love is adopted, you MUST read this book. It is so insightful and helpful on your journey. It is hard to read cover to cover because it has SO much information but it has a very detailed table of contents so it's easy to skip around and find what your interested in. I have given this book as a gift several times. It's a game changer.

This is not an easy book to read and her admonishments to adoptees go over the top IMHO and I wish she had left those out. It's difficult enough to read and understand the good, bad and ugly in relation to adoption and the inevitable self doubts an adoptee deals with on a conscious or subconscious level. My favorite part is several pages toward the back wherein she is speaking to clinicians regarding the pathology. Anyone who thinks adoption is going to be a happy ending is kidding themselves. This book is honest. Any adoptee who thinks they haven't been affected by their experience doesn't understand what was done to them. This book explains the tragedy very well.