Coming home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up

Coming Home to Self by Nancy Verrier is a powerful and deeply validating book for adoptees. This book explores the inner emotional and identity journey many adoptees experience — the grief that can remain unnamed, the feeling of fragmentation, and the lifelong process of integrating the self. This is not a light read, but it is an important one. Verrier writes with compassion and clarity about the ways adoption can shape attachment, identity, and emotional regulation, even in loving adoptive families. For adult adoptees, this book can feel like someone finally put words to what has lived quietly beneath the surface for years. For adoptive parents and therapists, it offers insight that can deepen empathy and understanding.

I am a birth mom who surrendered my son in 1969. I had read Primal Wound when it came out and just found this follow up. My son and I have been in and out of reunion due to adoption (primal wound) issues, and we've been in our last reunion for 3 years now. This book has been SUCH a blessing in helping us to understand and grow. What I love about this book is that many of the issues concern people who've experienced 'pre-verbal' trauma, and that would be me. No wonder reunion was about 2 wounded toddlers with no real adults! This book is actually just priceless! Now that I am aware of traumas I and my son and others experienced, I am GROWING UP! I would give this book 10 stars if that were possible. Thank you Nancy Verrier for your devotion to helping bring many into awareness and healing!

This is a must read for the whole adoption triad (birth mother, adoptee, and adoptive parents). I'll just start with the fact that I'm adopted, I have a brother I grew up with that was also adopted (from another family). We approached life in very different ways. I read this book initially as a teenager, and recently re-read it as an adult. The author nails it to a T. It was so nice to read that I wasnt the only one feeling this way and it helped explain some of my childhood behavior that at the time I couldnt cope with. This book is so important for adoptive parents to read. It gives light to how a lot of adoptive mothers feel about their adopted child and helps provide some coping mechanisms.

If you are an adopted daughter or son, an adoptive parent, or a mother who has given a baby to be adopted: this book must be read by you! Even though it is mainly addressed to the adult adoptee as some kind of self-help guide, it gives wonderful information to all of those touched by adoption and its consequences. You should only read this book after having gone through "The primal wound", as many of the issues introduced there are assumed in this book. I bought this book (and "The primal wound") after finding out from my ex wife about my adoptive son's acting out when in her house and about the danger he was exposing himself to. I was apalled to discover how this was no novelty in an adoptive child, and how the separation from his biological mother had affected him forever. I also found so many behavior examples that described my son's attitudes.

"Coming home to Self" (The adopted child grows up) This is a book of great depth and investigation into the experience of being adopted, and is an invaluable tool to understanding and healing for adopted people, their family of origin and adoptive family. Verrier presents accessible information of the way the brain changes when children are separated from their mothers at birth, and how they build a false self in order to survive, yet how this false self serves them not, as they become adults. She speaks about adoptees retaining the fight or flight mode because they are unwittingly always affected by their initial separation trauma. How the false self that mantles many adoptees, also prevents them from having authentic relationships and makes intimacy difficult. The adoptee who uses the false self to prevent further pain, building impenetrable walls around their hearts, are also isolated by them. This book is challenging, as it encourages the adopted person to recognise their choice to remain in victim mode and encourages them to take responsibility for their effect on others. Verrier points out that adoptees are often insensitive with others, yet ultra sensitive to any comments or action that they see might be derogative to themselves ...in fact, sometimes their agenda colors everything anyone says as potentially negative, and they may be always ready to rail against it. Verrier points out that this is because of the initial trauma of separation from the mother, which has kept the adoptee in a traumatised state. Verrier encourages adoptees to reassess what is really happening in their present situation, in order for them to start healing their relationships and their lives. This is powerful writing with clear and thoroughly researched insight. Lina Eve [...]

Informative and brought understanding to the adoptive child.

If you or someone you love is adopted, you MUST read this book. It is so insightful and helpful on your journey. It is hard to read cover to cover because it has SO much information but it has a very detailed table of contents so it's easy to skip around and find what your interested in. I have given this book as a gift several times. It's a game changer.

This is not an easy book to read and her admonishments to adoptees go over the top IMHO and I wish she had left those out. It's difficult enough to read and understand the good, bad and ugly in relation to adoption and the inevitable self doubts an adoptee deals with on a conscious or subconscious level. My favorite part is several pages toward the back wherein she is speaking to clinicians regarding the pathology. Anyone who thinks adoption is going to be a happy ending is kidding themselves. This book is honest. Any adoptee who thinks they haven't been affected by their experience doesn't understand what was done to them. This book explains the tragedy very well.

Much needed reading for any adoptee

I've not yet finished reading the book as I want to take my time with it, but so far it's given me a lot to think about. So many light bulb moments! Would love to write a book about my adoption story oneday, but know that will never happen. If the author ever wants anymore input for another book I'll be more than willing to give my views.

Can never go wrong reading one of Nancy’s books!

Not an easy read for an adoptee but spot on in some areas....well worth reading by anybody connected to the world of adoption - regardless of the success or failure of the adoption there IS a wound that will not heal, to have that acknowledged is refreshing.

a gem on adoption