Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters Paperback – October 21, 2014

I discovered this book by accident in my late 50s and it changed EVERYTHING. I had a narcissistic control freak mother that drove me nuts. I read this book, did the journaling work and it allowed me to handle my mother's death less than a year later with the grace and compassion the situation needed even if I didn't feel she deserved that from me.

People who have cut ties with their toxic parents usually face more criticism when their toxic parents get old or sick, and this is always a loaded topic. I have struggled in this difficult situation for 18 years. My mother is poor and always needs money ( she refuses to work since the age of 37 ), divorced, and I am her only child. I wanted to make her happy and be a good daughter. I worked hard to support her financially for 18 years, be her substitute spouse and parents ( she refuses to start a new life ). But 18 years later, I found that the more you sacrifice your own needs to satisfy her unjustified demand, the more she felt entitled for. You owe her because you are her only child. If you don’t do whatever she wants you to do, or don’t give her the amount of money she asked, she feels that she is entitled to make your life miserable, just because she is old, poor, and alone, as well as the fact that I’m her only child. Some people say toxic people can’t change. I’d like to say toxic people can’t change for better, but they can easily change for worse. They use being old, poor, or alone as a golden opportunity to manipulate, control and use you to an unlimited level. She knows those are your hot buttons and she know when she press those hot buttons and say jump, you will immediately respond “how high?” If you turn your back to her, she can easily turn you into a bad person in the eyes of outsiders who never have had such an experience, but are certain that you should do more for your mother. There is no too low in a toxic mother’s mind to get what she wants and use you. She just wants to move you like a chess piece on a chessboard so she can win. Some outsiders even told me she is your mother, you are her only child, just give her money and do whatever she wants to make her happy. It is your fate. This is simply not right. It is manipulation and control through emotional blackmail in order to satisfy her unjustified demands. They forgot one fundamental element to keep any family relationship alive and that is love. Love makes people feel good, relaxed, peace, safe, and respected, but not off balance. People have limits. After 18 years of struggle, I’ve had to cut ties with my mother. I love the words put together by Dr. Susan Forward in her book “Mothers Who Can’t Love” as she speaks for my experience and feeling: “You may be surrounded by friends or family members who are certain they know what’s right for you and your mother. But you are the only one who knows what you can handle, and what you need to do to preserve your own health and sanity. Your mother’s illness or widowhood isn’t an excuse for her to behave badly. It doesn’t obligate you to tolerate having your life turned upside down, despite great pressure on you simply to go along with her requests and demands. You need to stand up for yourself, difficult as that can be… If you’re faced with a mother in crisis and have trouble putting yourself in the picture according to expectations set by others, fall back on your assertiveness, your non defensive communication, your boundary-setting… if you still feel torn or guilty, remember how much of your life you spend as the one for whom promises were rarely kept, the one whose needs rarely mattered. The neglected side of yourself is still there inside you, healing now because at last it sees you honoring it and all you can be - remember that when you think your needs count for less than someone else’s. Your well-being depends on it.”

Good

I think this book is helpful for learning the different types of abusers, developing some coping strategies, and for moving forward with your life in a healthier way. My mother fit almost every category in the book and the abuse she and my father inflicted on myself and my siblings caused long-standing problems for all of us. Her abusive behavior continued well into my adult years,and I tolerated it, not knowing any better, until I became physically ill and was hospitalized. That was when I first learned she was abusive and I was allowing it to go on! Needless to say, she hasn't been a part of my life for many years now, but the damage was already done. I have been in counseling, have attended al-anon meetings, and have read numerous self-help books, including other books by Dr. Forward. I find her style of writing is easy for me to read and understand and I like her use of personal case stories. There are so many times I read what has happened to someone else and can completely relate because the same thing happened to me! Her suggestions on how to deal with the pain and grief of specific incidents were very helpful. This book was not easy for me to get through because of the emotions some of the exercises unleashed. It took me over 6 months to finish it, but when I did, I felt that I finally had a handle on what had happened to me, both in understanding the whys, and discovering ways to work through the emotional pain. It's been almost as long since I finished the book. I wish I could say that was the end of it, but I don't think you can ever get past that kind of treatment completely. It seems to rear its ugly head at the times you least expect it. At least now I have some tools to put it back in its place.

The book was written in a way that was easy to read and understand. I was thankful for the many examples that were written by the author!

I was SO tired of hearing girls and women say that their mothers were 'difficult' or that their relationship was 'strained.' The woman who raised me is toxic poison. If that sounds like your type of situation, I highly recommend this book.This book really helped me. I always thought that I was the only one with a mother who said and did this kind of crap. The book is written by a therapist and contains personal stories from women that she's helped. The therapist and author splits mothers into five categories:1. The severely narcissistic mother (But what about me?)2. The overly enmeshed mother (You are my whole life.) **I call this the smother.3. The control freak (Because I said so.)4. Mothers who need mothering (I depend on you to take care of everything.)5. Mothers who neglect, betray, and batter (You're always causing trouble.)I can't say what a relief it was to read this book and find out that my mother falls into most of the aforementioned categories, with one or two really pinning it down. I finally felt like someone got it. Some of the stories of these women were almost exactly like my own, it was scary at times. Just reading through those women's stories helped me so much.At the end of the book, the author gives some exercises and examples on how to move on and get though the abuse. She recommends therapy, but honestly, that's why I bought the book in the first place. I'm that kind of person, though...therapy doesn't really work for me. This book did, though. I highly recommend it.