Are You the One for Me?: Knowing Who's Right and Avoiding Who's Wrong

What an amazing book. This hardcover edition was published in 1992.Its timeless.I just bought a copy and I am impressed at what this book has to offer. This is the ideal book for men and women. This is the book you should start with to sort out your love life then get it right. This book explains how we get it wrong when looking for love.The author takes us through the various steps,in detail, to explain everything.Its very indepth. The book is divided up into 3 main sections then divided up into chapters. 1st section: Understanding your love choices. 1)Love is not enough. 2)Why we chose the people we love. 3)Falling in love for all the wrong reasons. 4)the six biggest mistakes we make in the beginning of a relationship. 2nd: 5)The ten types of relationships that wont work. 6)Fatal flaws. 7)compatibility time bombs. 3rd: 8)Six qualities to look for in a mate. 9)Sexual chemistry:what turns you on and what doesnt. 10)Compatibility:finding out who's right for you. 11)Commitment:making and keeping one when its right,and letting go when its wrong. 12)The adventure of love. I wish I'd bought this book years ago.Its that good.Most people who have had failed relationship will benefit from this book. The title sums it up accurately.It really is a must have book to make us see who is right for us and avoiding who's wrong for us. There are so many warning signs to look for.There are signs to look for to find the right ones. I highly recommend this book and the books by Neil Clark Warren. Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons: How to Find Your Soul Mate Date or Soul Mate?: How to Know if Someone is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less

Purchased for my 22 year old grandson and his friends who go through painful breakups in large part because they select young ladies to date without understanding who they are first. I have purchased more than a dozen of these books for various friends and Co-workers going through a relationship crisis. Initially recommended to me, this book helps you to derive the deep seeded reasons you choose the partners you do and reasons why that person may or may not be the best person for you. I have seen women, crippled and paralyzed with the pain of a break-up, regain their strength and make a 180 degree turn in how they view the failed relationship, to the point they realize the shortcomings in that partner. Believe it or not, this remarkable book enabled them to gain the upper hand in the relationship break up and make better choices in the future. I highly recommend this book for anyone at any age because it enables you to take a journey of self discovery so you can make better choices in relationships. This is an easy read and a remarkable self discovery tool.

I've purchased this book many times to give away to men & women friends who are good people looking for a compatible life partner, yet repeatedly choose ill-advised significant others. This book will tell you WHY you keep choosing the wrong people (it's your formative years); how to know YOURSELF what you need & want in a partner, and clues about why people act in ways that doom their relationships & once knowing WHY, can change their self-sabotaging behavior. It's a VERY USEFUL BOOK! I recommend it for everyone, even those in a happy marriage or committed relationship. Good to read even if you're on your way out of a crappy marriage, or even just taking a break from dating/seeking.

FYI - I am about to buy this book, therefore I have no opinion at this moment. However, an exercise from the book, which uncovers unhealthy relationship patterns and discover we keep meeting/loving the wrong people, was mentioned in "How to Attract Your Ideal Mate" by Linda Georgian (also invaluable to us seekers). I must comment on the cluster of negative reviews citing the author's multiple marriages. People have different friends, hairstyles, even iPods. Sometimes they're around for a moment, a season, a few years...it all depends on how quickly we develop personally in comparison with everything else. "Well gee, I need a faster computer to accomplish what I need to. This one isn't doing it for me so I'll sell it and look for something else..." How are relationships different? To discount the author's wisdom because 'marriage is forever...sacred...whatever' is ignorant. She outgrew her marriages for whatever reason and it's nobody's business why she's divorced. What we should be concerned with is whether the book helps people make better choices about their prospective relationships. To some people, this book may be dismissed as 'common sense' however, for the rest of us, exercising one's judgement when it comes to romance is probably the hardest task we're faced with. Most people are trained to be nice, charming and considerate - even if when other people aren't. We are told not to judge the book by its cover, not to jump to conclusions, be patient, look for the 'rough diamonds'. We're raised on stories like The Frog Prince and Beauty & The Beast. We are inundated with romantic comedies where the the womanizing jerk turns out to be a wounded sweetie - blah, blah, blah. Is it any wonder we need to LEARN how to exercise common sense, trust our instincts and just say 'No thank you but I find your flavor fattening...'? It's not about identifying 'bad' people. It's about identifying what emotional triggers we have, that we're probably unaware of, that create the same relationship dysfunctions over and over again. Read the book, do the exercises, and be honest about what's going on. Love starts with taking care of yourself first and doing both yourself and the other person the favor of not starting something when the warning signs are already obvious. Change yourself, not the other person. Love well and abundantly.

This is an excellent book for any single individual looking for a special person in their lives. The book breaks down every aspect of your life and makes you analyze it to determine who you are and who you need in your life. It is simple to use and is an eye opening look into your own life. Many times people are asked, "What are you looking for in a spouse?". People usually respond: good looking, funny, rich, etc. They don't think about the parts of their life that will actually make you happy and at peace with your selected spouse, i.e., family matters, financial matters, social aspects, religious matters, etc. This book has you go through ten important topics to determine who you would really want in your life. It also discusses other topics such as: Who to avoid, who needs help or therapy before committing to a relationship. Sometimes, that person to avoid might be yourself that needs work! The book was really valuable to me when I was fed up with being single and kept choosing the wrong people to date. I highly recommend this book to any single person. I have purchaed it for several friends and just bought it for my niece. She is really appreciating the information in the book and finds it very useful.

This should be required reading for anyone who wants to have any kind of relationship at all. It’s very logical and easy to understand. The exercises are simple but so valuable. I’ve since bought three copies to give to friends.

The author's main advice for finding a good mate is concentrating on good character rather than a good personality. Good advice, however, in the 4 examples below, she forgets it. EXAMPLE #1 - Lenny Lenny says he married Krista because of family pressure. After 20 years of marriage, he has 4 affairs, and explains, "It's not that I didn't love Krista. But I wasn't ready to marry her, or anyone." The author reacts by saying, "Lenny had robbed himself of a chance to experience love and happiness." However, in another section, she had said, "People who frequently bend the truth may have a 'life isn't fair' attitude, and they consider dishonesty a strategy for getting an advantage." She adds, "In other words, something is inherently wrong with their value system." Lenny revealed his "life isn't fair" attitude by blaming family pressure for getting married. He also revealed his inherently wrong value system by using cheating as a strategy that robbed HIS WIFE 20 years of love and happiness. So Lenny didn't love Krista as claimed and marriage wasn't his real issue. Instead of focusing on Lenny's character, the author focuses on his good personality. She says, "I watched Lenny weep like a frightened little boy, and felt so much empathy for this man." But Lenny wasn't a little boy. He was an adult who played the victim card because it gave him an advantage. EXAMPLE #2 - Daniel Daniel cheated on his wife, Elsa, because he perceived her as too needy. He claimed to have an "inability to break [his wife's] heart" but felt trapped, saying, "If I did what would make me happy, leave, it would kill her." So, "four days later, [he and Josie] ended up sleeping together." So Daniel didn't think cheating would break his wife's heart? Or that leaving would only kill her, but not cheating? The author says her "heart hurt for Daniel" because she saw "genuine anguish in his eyes". However, in another section, she had written, "[Those with a victim mentality] would rather you feel guilty by looking upset and hurt than lose your sympathy by confronting you with their true hostility." And that's what Daniel's "anguished eyes" were all about. She also says, "How did Daniel get into this painful situation? He allowed himself to be motived by guilt rather than by real love." However, if Daniel felt THAT guilty, he never would've cheated because his guilt -- being his greatest motivator -- would've stopped him. So he really cheated because he cared more about making himself happy than in breaking his wife's heart. He then avoided accountability by saying "we ended up sleeping together" rather than owning that deliberate decision. So once again, the author focuses on a good personality over good character. EXAMPLE #3 - Carlos Carlos cheated on his wife, Wendy, with her sister, Stacie. While Wendy was on a business trip, she had him promise to have Stacie over to cook him dinner. Carlos claims he protested, but Wendy insisted. He adds, "I know I was wrong to cheat on my wife, but am I wrong to want to have a good sex life?" If Carlos protested at all, I doubt it was that hard. He wanted Stacie there, but instead of admitting that, he blames his wife for pushing them together. His apology is insincere, too. Whenever someone starts with "I'm sorry, but..." whatever follows that "but" is the truth. Carlos says his cheating was wrong "but" wasn't he entitled to good sex? It's that very entitlement that kept him from being truly sorry. Carlos admits he was never sexually attracted to his wife and from that admission, the author concludes that if you, too, don't marry someone you're sexually attracted to, "you'll make yourself prone to sexual infidelity" and will one day "wake up...and find [yourself]...in a complicated affair." I highly doubt Halle Berry, Elizabeth Hurley, Eva Longoria, Denise Richards, Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon, Jennifer Aniston, Erin Nordegon, and Uma Thurman were cheated on because their partners were never sexually attracted to them. People cheat on those they're sexually attracted to and those they're not, so lacking sexual attraction doesn't cause cheating. Lacking good character does. This message is irresponsible and like Daniel, passively stated. Saying you'll wake up and find yourself in an affair implies you played no part in making that happen, when you did. EXAMPLE #4 - How to respond to 2 cheating situations This last examples involves what to say if a married person wants to start an affair with you....or if already involved, what to say to them. If already involved, you're to say: -- "I love you very much, but what we are doing is not healthy for anyone, and I love myself too much to let myself be treated this way. I can't see you anymore. If you leave your partner, call me and let me know." While it's good to advise ending an affair, the reasoning is self-involved. There's a short acknowledgment about this being unhealthy for others, but mostly it's centered on ME and MY mistreatment. The bigger mistreatment, however, is duping an unsuspecting spouse. Playing accomplice to this cruel game should be the main reason to end an affair. If not involved, you're to say: -- "I care about you very much, but I have a rule. I never get involved with someone who is with another person. If you leave the relationship, please let me know." Again, it's good she's advising against affairs, however, the wording implies this person is still a catch, but they're not. If you're the one pulling the brakes, it means this person lacks the self-control to do that themselves. And by seeking an affair, they're also revealing a disrespect for marital boundaries, a belief that deception solves problems, and an entitlement to bend rules to their advantage. Why would you ever want this person to call you? In a different section, the author had written, "When you find a partner who's irresponsible, you have, in a sense, stumbled upon a child in an adult's body. Loveable, perhaps even sympathetic, but certainly not ready for an adult relationship." Good advice. Too bad she can't see how these seemingly lovable and sympathetic people are too irresponsible for an adult relationship.

This book changed my life, not once but twice. If you know someone who has had disastrous relationships, or if you want to help the young (or not so young) people in your life avoid them, please do them and yourself a favor: get this book. Here's the trick though. You can't just read it, you have to do her exercises. Trust me, they are life-changing. Guys, don't think this is just a chick book. It truly isn't. I know it isn't always a guy thing to do soul-searching like this, but you will benefit --- truly. I know lots of guys who have made horrific dating/marriage choices and I tell them to get this book and do the homework. Even if you're not ready for a relationship at all, this book is so worth absorbing. I think you could use it for friendships as well. A friend, ages ago, told me to read this and do the exercises and to this day, I send her bouquets of mental hugs. she ws so right. I met my wonderful spouse as a direct result of doing the exercises in this book. Highly recommended!