Real Self-Care: A Transformative Program for Redefining Wellness (Crystals, Cleanses, and BubbleBaths Not Included)

I first met Dr. Pooja Lakshmin when I saw her article about burnout and betrayal (the Primal Scream in the New York Times). A lightbulb went off when I realized that I was internalizing so much about how I wasn't able to do it all as a mother, wife, business owner, writer, and person in the world. Between having two young kids in the pandemic and trying to start my own business, I was exhausted, sometimes frozen, angry, and often in tears.Ever since, I've followed her writing and work on instagram, where she shares wisdom around women's mental health from a psychology perspective. Honestly, I feel RELIEF when I read what she's writing! This book has been a brilliant follow-up to her work across the web. Being burned out and feeling betrayed by broken systems is real. But what do you DO about it? Is there any antidote or solution?It turns out, if you're wishing for a vacation or you're fantasizing about escape... well, that's a sign that your current life is likely burning you out. Instead of buying the next fancy retreat or spa package (those are delightful, don't get me wrong!)—she recommends you start with her four-part framework.Pooja writes about where our individual agency comes in: what can we do about this, and what's within our control? This is the delicate dance of self care.She also shares the history of self-care and where the idea comes from (it was a mental health term often for institutionalized folks, and it was revolutionized by Black women in different movements before it's been co-opted today as a thing that you can purchase, buy, or sell). I appreciate this full history.I got a chance to review an early copy of this book (I'm a podcaster, and I interviewed her for my show)—and I also purchased my own copy of this book. Here's what I got from the book:So how do we do self-care in an overwhelming world? Her framework brings alignment between your values and what you can do, and highlights where you might be misaligned. I'll share a few sneak peeks without giving it all away:1 — How to know what's yours, how to create space between you and the people you care about, how to define what belongs to someone else (guess what word she uses for this first step?)2 — How to develop a new relationship with your mind (her insights on A&C therapy and how she describes psychological flexibility I found so cool). This is a more advanced psychological concept and I appreciate the depth here; it's not superficial.3 — How to identify what really matters to YOU, what brings you energy. She has a specific tool called the self-care compass which is a great framework (and I like having it next to my desk at work).4 — How to regain power and agency. For me, regaining your sense of control is HUGE in self-care, and she explains where and how you can claim your power.For women especially, but also men need this too (boundary work is HARD for all). Also, her opening story about joining a cult? Riveting.Buy this book, it's well-written, easy to read, and important to act on.

In Real Self-Care, the author does an excellent job of articulating a number of issues that lead people — especially women — to poor wellbeing. I appreciate her willingness to dive into the personal, interpersonal, and systemic problems and help readers understand what true self-care means. However, that's about it. She doesn't offer nearly enough tangible, practical strategies to escape all this dysfunction, and the book becomes very repetitive as it goes on. I'm rounding up to 4 stars out of gratitude for what this book does well, but it leaves quite a bit to be desired.

Since the pandemic, having two kids, and balancing work, I've made a small habit out of reading 'self help' books and memoirs focusing on women struggling to find balance and authenticity in our current age. Real Self-Care by Dr. Pooja Lakshmin really stands out amongst the genre for many reasons:1) The author has the credentials AND lived experience. Her training and expertise is clear, but it isn't prescriptive, she approaches the audience with kindness and compassion. It's akin to a therapy session with a professional who works with women frustrated by our current systems, which is exactly who Dr. Lakshmin is! Also Dr. Lakshmin provides touching and very real personal experiences that help her relate to the reader.2) There are activities to think about and work on as you read, which force the reader to be more than a passive participant. This is not meant to be binged, but returned to as a guide. She also provides help on locating professional mental health experts, a huge hurdle for many people.2) Real Self-Care identifies, correctly, that this isn't all about changing your perspective and journaling away the negative thoughts. We have and continue to face major, seemingly insurmountable issues as a society. This books acknowledges how these problems can be very specific (workplace conflict) as well as very general (gender and race-based pay discrimination). Not everything can be resolved over night, but the book provides a roadmap to approaching these large problems from a place that is true to you.Highly recommend! Am planning to give as gifts for many friends/family members!

Dr. Lakshmin offers powerful comfort and a meaningful challenge, a call to action, as she describes the state of self-care as it is and how she thinks it can be. She illuminates the ways that systemic issues in our society are manifesting as personal problems for individuals. Her penetrating insights resonate, reveal, and soothe; they also provoke reflection and motivate action. For example, her discussion of how setting boundaries with others—and with one’s self—is vitally important for well-being is fresh, incisive, and encouraging. Her discussion of self-compassion, including her guidance to take a close at the way we talk to ourselves, is too. Relatedly, I love what she wrote about how the way we travel, so to speak, as we pursue a goal affects the way we feel when we arrive: “If you don’t learn how to speak to yourself with respect, kindness, and nurturing, then when you arrive at your destination—whether that is finishing writing a book or showing up at a friend’s party—you will be on your last legs. You don’t need to have a cruel inner critic to get things done…The truth is that you can be trained to respond to a kind voice too. It is worth the risk to give yourself permission to pay less attention to the inner critic” (p. 144). For anyone who is interested in cultivating greater well-being for themselves and/or society as a whole, I highly recommend this book!