That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships

My title says it all. What's especially relevant to me is that I've had a traumatic brain injury & have residual deficits with expressing myself clearly so that the person with whom I'm communicating understands the intent of my message. This has been an ongoing issue. The book is easy to read, understand & put into practice. It has already helped me with more clearly communicating the intent of my message so the other person understands what I'm truly trying to communicate correctly. I'm certainly not perfect & will have to be continuously mindful of what I'm learning in this book for the rest of my life (due to my traumatic brain injury), but others have noticed an improvement in the clarity of the messages I'm trying to communicate. I'm very thankful for the help this book is giving me as a person who has been misunderstood many times (sadly, to my disadvantage) due to the permanent damage I've encountered to the area of my brain responsible for communication. If this book has helped me, one who has had a traumatic brain injury, I can only imagine how it would tremendously help anyone who has not encountered a traumatic brain injury.

As someone who has deeply studied linguistics and who has been lectured by Tannen and her protégés, I think that this book a great high-level book about cross-cultural communication. Tannen's writing is clear, easy to follow, and makes for a great light reading; her style also is able to capture more complex linguistic theories (e.g. pragmatics and discourse analysis) succinctly and present them in a publicly digestible manner. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who shows interest in cross-cultural communications.That said, I feel like Tannen bases her theories a little too firmly on anecdotal evidence, whether those experiences be hers or her friends'/students'. In addition, her theories can be too high-level and loose. Finally, I think she could have done a better job at explaining her notions of positive and negative face, as well as how those can play out in social situations.

This is Tannen's first book in this line. It is highly transformational.Her following books in the series provide the applications. This book explains the underlying engine. With engaging clarity and practical examples on every page, this book explains the back and forth mechanics of conversational style, and how simple, easily recognizable differences in conversational styles can create major misunderstandings and conflicts in any type of relationship, including between significant others, family members and fellow employees.These differences in conversation style and the difficulties they create are pervasive. This book trains you to see them. Once you see them you can't not see them, and once you can't not see them you can't not do something about them..We can never easily change other people. In particular, people are often threatened by even talking about how they talk, since the way we talk is a major part of who we think we are. Tannen explains this clearly.The only other option is to change ourselves. Fortunately, most of the solution is to change our awareness, reduce our automatic responses, and increase our choices in what we say.This book provides the guidance for accomplishing that.

I'm not even all the way through this book, and it has already been a huge help in my relationship with my wife. What an eye-opener! This is worth more than a pile of the top-selling self-help books. Especially if you, or someone you love, may be in the autism spectrum/Asperger's zone, this can be a huge help in doping out what kind of communication you

That's Not What I Meant! Is a must read for anyone, whether you are gregarious and get along with everyone or if you are constantly at the center of disagreements.This isn't a how to book to solve all your conversational woes. Honestly, I would never expect something so simple as a step-by-step guide for something as complex as conversation. Considering that, Deborah Tannen does an excellent job of showing just how complex a simple conversation can be and how things can go wrong despite everyone's best intentions.This is the only one of Deborah Tannen's books that I have read. And it is the perfect mix of all relevant conversations that most people encounter in their lives. From talking with teenagers to business conversations to gripes from long-time spouses.The result of reading this book has especially helped me feel more comfortable about my conversation skills. Before I read this book, I thought I was the only one that was no good at getting my intentions across clearly, but now that I have learned that confusion is inevitable I finally believe everyone that has said that I'm actually pretty normal and surprisingly flexible in my style (most likely because I was so hard on myself before). It also gave me some ideas on how to better get along with some of the people that I previously thought were too pushy or quiet etc.I just finished this book for the first time(I'm planning on reading it again) and I am still absorbing much of the content. But I already feel as if I have gained a new understanding of the past misconceptions-turned-verbal-fights that I have had with friends and family. I'm planning on giving it to my parent's to read (their conversational styles are very different and they get into a lot of needless bickering matches because of it).I think this book is a great step into metacognition (thinking about thinking) and becoming more introspective (Looking inside yourself) for the purpose of being conscious of things that are subconscious and that you take for granted.

For those who are new to understanding human interactivity, this book may offer many revelations. For those of us who sell for a living, this book doesn't offer much. The Dale Carnegie classic, "How to Win Friends and Influence People", offers more in terms of interpersonal skills, and the science has come a long way since his time.

Written for a general audience, this book will definitely give you insight into how your conversational style affects your relationships and how you can prevent misunderstanding before they happen.Deborah Tannen effectively explains to the non-linguist the methods of analyzing conversational styles. She examines the natural flow of conversation and explains it to the reader in a way that is easily understood. The linguistic concepts discussed are defined in basic terms without heavy analysis.Tannen explains her strong conviction that an understanding of conversational styles is the foundation for improving interpersonal communication and that this knowledge can further help individuals adjust their style of conversing for the sake of clarity. Each section is sprinkled with many good examples which clarify the concepts presented.While the book is meant for a general audience, it is also a good introduction on the topic of conversational styles within discourse analysis for the budding linguist.

I wish everyone I know would read it. My biggest lesson was that if 2 people are not talking on the same wave length, then talking can make things worse, not better.

easy to read alone or with your spouse, sheds light on the ways in which the opposite sex communicate and is helpful

Wish i have read this book at lot earlier... :)Short and Crisp. Bang on to the point

I read this book for the first time in 10 years, and it really inspired my curiosity. You can see how misunderstandings would happen and analyses of examples.If you are taking entrance exams for universities or colleges, you should read this!! Many universities such as Ritsumeikan cite the passages.