Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal Paperback – February 1, 2010

For over 2 years I have been looking through books and websites to find advice on living through divorce. Every single one I've found (until now) has assured me that an affair doesn't have to be the end of the relationship, if you're willing to try to forgive and work hard to get through it together. But like the other women depicted in this book, I wasn't given that choice. My fate was decided by the one person I loved, respected and trusted beyond all others. The person I had spent 2 decades with. The person I was thoroughly convinced was my best friend, closest confidant, and greatest supporter. To say I was devastated when he walked away to pursue a relationship with a woman who lives on another continent is an understatement. Every descriptive word I know is an understatement.When the person you trust most betrays you and all your future plans have evaporated into the ether, it’s shocking and painful, but it's nothing compared to the realization that your past was an illusion. The man you thought you knew better than anyone else has proven himself to be a stranger. And what I discovered, along with the vast majority of the women who participated in the study that lead to this book, is that he is a cruel and utterly uncaring stranger. He not only takes absolutely no emotional or financial responsibility for his unilateral decision to end a loving, decades-long shared relationship, but he places the blame for that ending squarely at the foot of the person who desperately wants to try to save the marriage. And you will be met with steely eyes and stinging, callous words when you attempt to call him on this bullshit. This twist of the knife, this cowardly and excruciatingly painful act by this stranger wearing a mask of your beloved’s face, turns logic and reason upside down, it turns victim into perpetrator. And the victim is left in such a surreal, utterly unrecognizable landscape, suffering such profound shock, that for a long while she is likely to believe it. The man she knows so well, who loved her so completely is simply incapable of intentionally inflicting such pain…so it must be her own damn fault.I found this book, Runaway Husbands, a few days ago and it is the only example I've found thus far that clearly shows that not all divorces are created equal. The horrific pain, the unequaled confusion, the foaming-at-the-mouth fury, the bottomless sense of shame and humiliation, the powerful shock and the profound sense of loss that comes from being utterly left out of the decision-making process, of realizing that the destruction of your marriage is a fait accompli can break you. It can quite literally drive you insane. Your happy, secure world is forever changed, and it's a cruel, cold, unreliable one, void of love and trust, that you now have to face alone.With this study, you will at least learn that thousands of other women have experienced the same thing, and that there are a whole lot of men (and a few women, too), who simply have no compunction about shattering the lives of the people who love them. You will learn that your spouse emotionally checked out long ago (he just didn’t bother to tell you or indicate to you that he was gone—or he simply lied outright about an affair or his growing disinterest in you when you questioned him after sensing that something was not right), and as such, they now find your emotional response utterly distasteful and puerile. They have moved on. Why can’t you? You will learn that, despite decades of actions and words to the contrary, they never truly loved you, and now would you kindly move aside so they can embrace their shiny, new future full of exciting, sexy possibilities? They step over you as you lay on the floor in the fetal position, sobbing in shock and disbelief; they throw a love with an amazingly strong, supportive, nurturing pedigree into the nearest trash can and they don’t look back. They are narcissistic, short-sighted, and cowardly. They care about their own future; they have no energy or interest to spend considering the past.But this book does not let you wallow in your victimhood for too long. Yes, you have been wronged, yes you have lost significant amounts of weight because the experience has rendered food tasteless and half of what you do manage to choke down makes you want to vomit, yes, it’s painful to even take the next breath and it seems impossible some days to get out of bed, and yes, you have suffered what is probably the most profound loss of your entire life. But your grief and shock is a NATURAL reaction to the whiplash-like pain you have just experienced. You are NOT going crazy, and you are NOT under any obligation to ANYONE to dry your tears and move on after some arbitrary length of time. You are NOT weak and you are NOT being lazy by staying in and licking your wounds. You are not a freak because you’re not “over it” yet. It takes time to deal with such strong emotions and such profound loss of trust, loss of happiness, loss of security, loss of future plans, loss of love. And you are NOT to blame for your partner’s devastating actions. THEY ARE. It’s going to take months, even years, but one day you will be able to start enjoying your present and planning for a better future. The advice and coping tools offered up here will help. You CAN get through it and you can even build a better life out of the rubble. You might even be able to trust someone again and open yourself up to the possibility of love. I'm not that far along myself, but this book has helped me tremendously already, and I hope that if you have been in a similarly heart-wrenching situation, you will read it and let it help you, too.

This book definitely got me through what I hope to be the hardest challenge in my life. My husband of 20 years, together 24.5 years, left me for my "best friend". At the time, our beautiful daughter was 7, and I truly felt at times I could not be strong enough to make it through -- until I found this book. When I read this book, I knew I was not alone. My ex was the "textbook" runaway husband. The book made me feel so comforted. Story after story mimicked, sometimes word for word, the betrayal and confusion I felt. It really helped me work through the stages, which are detailed in the book, and made me realize I had to stop crying and being depressed and get moving. My husband truly didn't love me anymore, and he was now, honestly, a person I did not now. It truly helped me to move on with my life, for my sake, and my daughter's. If you are going through any type of similar situation, please read this book. I can't tell you how many times I have read it, and still almost 2 years later, use it as a reference quite often when I need it. Truly one of the best books I've ever read, and I repeatedly recommend it to friends. This book is a life changer.

I discovered this book shortly after my husband of 29 years left me for another woman. I had discovered his affair 3 years before but we had worked through it all (at least I thought we had) - and in fact had just told him that I now trusted him the month before, when I discovered he was back with her (and later discovered he never stopped seeing her - even during my breast cancer). I won't go through all the details, but I could indeed check off all the signs of Wife Abandonment Syndrome. This book proved to be a lifesaver. I did find it difficult to read in the beginning, especially when my pain was so raw, but I saw that I wasn't alone in my situation, that things could be a whole lot worse, and most importantly, there is light at the end of the tunnel. As I worked through the process of divorce, this book gave me perspective as to whom and what I was dealing with. It empowered me. I realized I would never know why he did it, and in fact didn't need to. I really liked the inclusion of strategies that different women used to deal with situations. I found that I couldn't get rid of intrusive thoughts, especially when I was driving. I used some of the strategies suggested (keeping a time limit on them, and imagining sweeping them up)and got through it. I didn't use this book alone, I started seeing a therapist and attended a divorce support group, but this was probably the most valuable tool I had.I had an acquaintance who had been dealing with a similar situation and gave her my copy of the book. Her comment was that she so wished she had had the book a year earlier because it would have saved her so much pain as she kept blaming herself. I have bought this book for 3 other women going through divorce after long term marriages, and all have thanked me. Now that I am 3 years after my divorce being final, I feel I need to read this again just for a tune up! (Problem is, every time I buy it, I have to give it away!)

Two days after a typical day of family things and holding hands, he arrived home from work, made the shocking and devastating statement that he was leaving our marriage of nearly 40 yrs. It was such a bizarre set of circumstances—few could get it. They assumed it had been a rocky relat., etc.Vikki Stark’s book put a name to the experience and validated the chain of events that I was in. And I know God used this book and her pain and learning-and a seasoned local therapist!—who wisely added the book into our process- to keep me moving forward-away from grief and abandonment- to avoiding bitterness, to healing and a future. 11 years ago. Happy Camper

This book is my situation to a “T” I have a lot of “sticky notes” on the important, useful pages. Book is very relatable and offers some good support and techniques to cope.I am glad I purchased the book

This book is an interesting read and perspective on life and marriage.

I bought this book for my best friend whose husband of 25 years simply arrived home from a trip away and told her he was leaving her; This, after leaving her loving notes the day before departing etc. Of course there was a younger woman, but that wasn't what staggered my friend - it was that they had been happy and he had never once said to the contrary. He was a doting husband. She'd never been happier. The news devastated her, and as her friend, I was in a quandary. I didn't understand her total and utter breakdown which went on for weeks and weeks. Here was a woman who handled million-pound contracts, and she dissoved. I sympathised with her but, having gone through a 'normal' divorce (arguments, talk of divorce, dissatisfaction etc), I couldn't understand her inability to pull herself together. I had never seen this person before and it scared me. Was she heading towards a breakdown that would impact on her health and work? Well, Vikki's book was the best thing I could have bought. I bought it for my friend, of course (she's not one for going online and 'helping' herself), but I read it in one night cover to cover, and the book may as well have had both my friend and her husband's name as its title. It was them, to a 'T'. the author, Vikki, is briliant. She describes what had happened to her and hundreds of other case studies in such a way that is gentle, humorous even, but with deep insight. And she then faces forward, into the the future, in a way that gives hope. Having read it, I gently put it in front of my friend, who recoiled at first. 'I don't want to be reminded of when he left,' she stuttered, dissolving into tears for the Nth time. 'Trust me,' I said, 'You will feel so much better for it, I promise. It will lift the fog. Do it for the children because there's a chapter about the children. ' Luckily (phew!) she texted that night saying she couldn't put it down...and it is now called 'That Book'. She has even bought copies for other friends so that they may understand her experience, since it is not like anything else. And as I told her, I now not only sympathise, but empathise. Utterly. Just weeks on from when she first started reading it, she stopped stuttering, changed the locks, filled her weekends with friends, took ownership of her job once more, and today, three months later, is soldiering on, having gained the weight she had lost. She has now filed for divorce, having a read a book about THAT from cover to cover as well, so that she is fully informed. There's still a journey to be had, of course, but Vikki's book gives her hand-holds. As for the lying, cheating husband -- he's not her problem anymore. She realises she will never know why he behaved the way he did, just that he did, and that's not her problem. It's the new girlfriend's. Good luck to her, my friend and I say, a leopard will never change his spots. If there's ever to be a sequel, Vikki Stark, it would be great to have advice about how to trust again in a new relationship.

Si te encuentras con que tu pareja te ha dejado después de cierto tiempo, quizás años de vida en común, y no te explicas qué ha podido pasar, necesitas respuestas inmediatas que te permitan esclarecer esta confusión en la que te ves inmerso/a de forma involuntaria pero irremediable.Vikki Stark, la autora del libro, nos explica en primera persona y también apoyada en las experiencias de algunos de sus pacientes, los diferentes pasos que viviremos a lo largo de este proceso forzoso de duelo del que saldremos reforzados/as y victoriosos/as.No es cuestión de tiempo, nos dice. Cada duelo es diferente, como lo es cada persona y cada relación. pero con su ayuda y nuestro empeño, lo lograremos.Yo lo he leído y en todo momento he sentido como si Vikki Start lo hubiera escrito pensando en mí, en cómo animarme, en cómo ayudarme a recuperar mis fuerzas internas y salir de ese torbellino de emociones entremezcladas que te ofuscan la mente y no te dejan ver que TODO ESTA EN ORDEN y que TODO SUCEDE PARA BIEN.Si vuestro nivel de inglés es fluído, éste es el libro perfecto que os servirá de guía en esta etapa en la que os encontráis más vulnerables que nunca.A mí me sirvió de gran ayuda. Os lo recomiendo totalmente.

I was suspicious of the many positive reviews, but was desperate enough to give it a go...and I am glad I did. The impact of reading this book has been instant, but it also has a slow and continuous aftereffect. For me it was as if suddenly I had found a witness to my own experience and suffering, validating and acknowledging what I have been through -yes, the Jekyll and Hyde behaviour, yes, the gaslighting etc etc- and yes, that I am actually NOT hysterical as I was made to believe. It also made me realise how much marriage and the 'till death does us part' promise is a powerful belief system that WE construct ourselves, or a construct that we are simply conditioned to believe in - and for me was one one that I still desperately defended and clung on to even when the evidence against it was already overwhelming. Then suddenly, 23 years later, I look back and ask myself: WHY the f*** did I do that? (Apologies- I learnt to love and relish swearing when he left :-) ). It is also sobering to realise how widespread this type of male behaviour is, how utterly stereotypical. There is something fundamentally wrong with a shockingly large number of males out there. I know an x number of women who have been treated in exactly the same way - and the book seems to confirm that this is a very very widespread problem. Why is this issue not receiving more public attention/ discussion? And as a mother of two sons I really want to know what I can do - so they don't end up replicating this sad and tragic pattern?