To Have and to Hold: Motherhood, Marriage, and the Modern Dilemma Hardcover – March 26, 2019

My daughter is almost 9. I wish I’d read this when I was a new mom struggling so desperately to make sense of my chaotic inner experience and why mothering felt so agonizingly HARD. The author so gently and supportively normalizes the struggle to adjust to motherhood and it’s effect on one’s marriage. My husband has threatened divorce over feeling cast aside by my caring for our daughter. I now understand us both better and have the compassion for myself and him that I need to take the next step in healing. I’m so grateful to the author for writing such an honest, heartfelt, and compelling case for parents to be kind to themselves and each other.

I used this book as a reading in my Life Span Human Development course for masters and doctoral students and they loved it. They were so engaged with the ideas -- so much so that "Millwood" was constantly quoted in their papers and exam essays. The book was accessible but also smart. They felt they learned not only about the changes that happen after a couple has a baby, and the sociological context in which these changes occur, but also and maybe even primarily about attachment as it plays out in the lifespan of a couple. Central to the book is the conceptualization of the couple through attachment theory. Millwood's stories about the women and men she's known through her couples counseling practice, (and I would refer any couple to her!), show very human struggles of real people in a moment of crisis, a crisis that can't help but reflect earlier histories that revolve around wanting to be special, needed, supported, and loved. Beautifully and movingly written, married couples, whether they're about to have children, have them, or never want them, will see themselves here. And they'll feel in good company with this author who is just revealing enough to let readers know she's "been there." Finally, what I think I love most about this book, is that she doesn't have a final chapter telling moms what to do. After talking the talk of self-love, patience, and care, to give women a list of things to do to "fix" things would be contradictory and a real problem. Instead she helps readers to deepen their thinking and she validates what they are going through. As any great therapist might, she validates that what parents are experiencing is important and real and she reassures them that they are in good company. In so doing, she trusts that they will come up with their own solutions to this tricky period of a couple's life.

Good so far, haven’t gotten to reach thoroughly.I bought this brand new though. Wasn’t expecting a used book or a new book in this condition for the price I paid.

Reading this book felt like I was looking in a mirror. The accuracy of it all made me suspicious of whether I was being watched and examined in my home as a new mom. I cannot recommend this book enough and regret not stumbling upon it before giving birth to my son.

Dr. Molly Millwood has written an important book about the transition to motherhood and the emotional process for women as well as the couple. As a psychotherapist who has worked with postpartum women for over a decade I found Molly's book helpful, insightful and wise. Therapists working with this population will find many clinical truths articulated through out this book about the inner transition to motherhood and the lack of cultural support around this stage of life. New mothers will find this book incredibly validating of their experience. Dr. Millwood's book is an important step in a cultural shift from the isolation of new motherhood and to a broader acceptance and normalizing of the difficulties. To Have and To Hold presents a deeper and more nuanced understanding of the stress on new mothers. Dr. Millwood elegantly weaves clinical experiences, personal experience and research throughout the book which results in an engaging and captivating read. She steers women and couples away from pathologizing the postpartum period toward compassion, acceptance and possibility. Dr. Millwood book moves people away from creating false dichotomies between those who have postpartum depression and those who do not to a more sophisticated understanding of the cultural, personal, relational, historical and biological influences of this transition. I highly recommend this book!

I foolishly read this in my few private moments after bringing my first babe home from the hospital. The intro starts by telling about the author's long, long journey to finding happiness in motherhood. In my hormonal state after a traumatic birth, this didn't seem like great news. 😂Luckily, I came back to it a few weeks later, when the weepies had ended. This book changed my life. The author explores the similarities and tensions between marriage and motherhood - how the two relationships will sometimes feel in conflict, but how they also challenge and amaze us in similar ways. This felt like liberation for me. She speaks so tenderly of the doubts and worries of a new mom, the grieving for lost freedom, the fear of losing yourself, but also of the magic moments with her children and the small ways we can begin to build our families to make sure all needs are met - even (especially?) Mom's.Don't read it postpartum like I did. But do read it. And buy it for every independent, creative, intelligent mom you know. She will find inspiration and hope here.

I appreciated the approachability yet well supported nature of this book. Weaving her personal and clinical experience- Milwood presents a space for mothers to embrace the chaos.